Attachment style can have a major influence on a person's entire life. It develops during childhood as a result of interactions with primary attachment figures and then influences the way a person acts in interpersonal relationships. Here are some of the areas in which attachment style can have an impact:
1. Interpersonal relationships:
The attachment style influences how a person behaves in romantic partnerships, friendships and other close relationships. People with a secure attachment style generally find it easier to have stable and satisfying relationships, whereas people with an insecure attachment style may have difficulty establishing trust or allowing emotional closeness.
Attachment style can also have an impact on how a person behaves at work and interacts with colleagues and superiors. A secure attachment style can contribute to constructive working relationships, while insecure attachment styles can be a source of conflict and tension.
2. Self-esteem and self-confidence:
People with an insecure attachment style often have impaired self-esteem and self-confidence because their first experiences with people, when they were children, were not exclusively positive.
Perhaps they have always been heavily criticised or punished for their mistakes and now find it difficult to go through life with confidence. But perhaps they have had the experience of having to work hard to be loved, not feeling worthy of being loved, simply as they are and are suffering sadly from a lack of self-esteem. A person with a secure attachment style has generally had the opportunity to experience self-esteem in their early years and to build their self-confidence on solid foundations.
3. Feelings and emotional regulation:
Attachment style also influences the way we manage our own emotions and our ability to regulate them. People with a secure attachment style are generally better able to understand and regulate their emotions, manage stress better and express their emotions appropriately. People with an insecure ambivalent attachment style have often not learnt to regulate themselves on their own, need other people to do so and are therefore often afraid and find it difficult to be alone. On the other side, if a person has an avoidant attachment style, they have not learnt to co-regulate themselves, i.e. to go through another person, and need to withdraw from others for emotional regulation. These people therefore often withdraw from their partner or other people when they have problems or are not doing well.
4. Parenting:
Parents with a secure attachment style are generally very sensitive to their children's needs and feelings. They are able to respond appropriately to their children's signals and to develop caring and supportive relationships. Similarly, parents with a secure attachment style are able to express their emotions openly and act as emotional role models for their children. They encourage their children to share their feelings and help them to understand and regulate their emotions. Parents with an insecure attachment style may have difficulty establishing a secure attachment bond with their children.
For example, parents with an anxious side in their attachment style (anxious-preoccupied and fearful-avoidants) may tend to control their children excessively or prioritise their own needs over those of their children. On the other hand, parents with an insecure attachment style, such as the dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant/disorganised attachment (also called fear of attachment or fear of intimacy), may have difficulty engaging emotionally with their children. They may keep a distance from their children or have difficulty responding to their needs. If we have insecure attachment behaviour, we pass it on to our children.
5. Personal needs:
Our experiences as children strongly influence the range of our needs. For example, if a person's family of origin was a kind of dysfunctional relationship in which the family members were so intertwined that it was difficult to distinguish their own identities, feelings and needs, they will have a strong need for freedom in adulthood. As a general rule, this concerns the dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant/disorganised attachment style (also known as fear of attachment or fear of intimacy).
However, if a person has experienced a great deal of unpredictability and insecurity in childhood, they will seek a lot of predictability, security and continuity in adulthood. This is the case, in most cases, for people with an anxious-preoccupied but also the fearful-avoidant/disorganised attachment style.
6. Coping with stress and challenges and bodily sensations:
Attachment style can influence how a person copes with stressful situations and challenges. People with a secure attachment style tend to seek more support from others and cope better with stress, whereas people with an insecure attachment style may tend to withdraw or develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. Some examples of these coping mechanisms are clinging, neediness, control, avoidance, overcompensation or remaining in a permanent hypervigilance mode.
It is important to stress that attachment style is not set in stone and can change over the course of a lifetime, especially if a person consciously questions their own patterns and works on them. Therapy or coaching can be helpful in this respect to understand attachment style and make positive changes.
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