Most people have not experienced good examples of relationships. Often there were already problems with the parents and we experience them as children. Yes, in many cases we even copy things from our parents, quite unconsciously, whether we want to or not. In the same way, we don't learn at school what good relationship skills look like that we can use to deal with problem situations and what we can do to be happy in our relationship in the long term.
You learn all this in relationship coaching or couples therapy. Healthy and happy relationships can be learnt.
Relationship patterns from childhood and the insecure attachment style
If we do not have ideal experiences as a child and have examples that show us how relationships really work and with whom we have exactly this good and positive experience in the parent-child relationship, we develop an insecure attachment style. Having an insecure attachment style means that we will carry behaviours into the relationship that are not beneficial, but often harmful. These are our own issues and have very little to do with the partner, it is what we bring into the relationship from our side. As you can imagine, this will continue to happen until we have resolved it for ourselves. It will be presented to us over and over again until we look and go into the inner process, into the inner healing of our unhealthy and often painful patterns.
Most people have an insecure attachment style and this has a negative effect on relationships or even in dating. A person's attachment style is based on their experiences and relationship patterns in childhood and can be secure, dismissive-avoidant, anxious-preoccupied or feaful-avoidant (also called disorganised).
What can we achieve with couples therapy or relationship coaching?
Having someone at your side to help you resolve your own unhealthy behaviour and show you how to have a relationship and love is therefore always very valuable. It becomes particularly urgent when we as individuals or as a couple are stuck in our relationship and repeatedly find ourselves in the same situations that we no longer know how to resolve on our own.
Below are a few examples that explain how insecure attachment styles affect us and what exactly can be addressed with professional support.
1. Communication problems:
People with insecure attachment styles can have difficulty expressing their needs and feelings openly, directly and in a healthy way. This can lead to misunderstandings and frustration as they may use indirect or passive communication patterns. A coach or therapist can help identify communication patterns and promote healthy conversation skills.
2. Intimacy issues:
People with an insecure attachment style may find it difficult to open up emotionally and show vulnerability. This can lead to distance in the relationship as they struggle to make a deep emotional connection. A coach or therapist can help develop the ability to open up more, allow people to get closer and find ways to restore emotional and physical connection in the relationship.
3. Conflict and insecurity:
Regardless of their specific insecure attachment style, these people can often have strong fears of rejection, abandonment or neglect. This can be fear of abandonment or fear of too much closeness and commitment. Conflicts and insecurities in the relationship can intensify these fears and lead to tension. A therapist or coach can help to heal these fears and thus lose them. They can also teach couples how to resolve conflicts constructively without them escalating.
4. Trust issues:
People with insecure attachment styles can develop trust issues as they tend to question their partner's intentions. This can lead them to be jealous or suspicious, sometimes even when there is no reason to be. This is often a challenge for people with the fearful-avoidant (disorganised) or anxious-preoccupied attachment style. A therapist or coach can help rebuild trust and repair the relationship.
5. Roles and expectations:
Sometimes there are inconsistencies in roles and expectations within the relationship. These unrealistic expectations arise from an insecure attachment style and unfavourable experiences as a child. Someone who has a fear of abandonment will have very high expectations of their partner and someone who is prone to fearing too much closeness and commitment will often feel overwhelmed and frightened by too many expectations. A therapist or coach can help to develop realistic expectations and minimise conflicts.
6. Partner search and dating:
If there are repeated difficulties in dating, for example, relationships only last for a very short time or break up over the same issues again and again, then this indicates that your own patterns are standing in the way of a fulfilling relationship. A coach or therapist can help you to break these patterns and get closer to the goal of a happy relationship.
7. Life transitions:
Life changes such as the birth of a child, career changes or retirement can lead to stress in a relationship. A therapist or coach can help you adjust to such transitions.
8. Separation and divorce:
In some cases, relationship coaching or couples therapy can also be helpful in the decision-making and separation process, especially when children are involved.
Therapy and coaching is for everyone
Therapy and coaching can therefore be a preventative measure. This gives you the opportunity to recognise and overcome relationship problems at an early stage before they become more serious. This is particularly relevant as most people repeat patterns from childhood. People with insecure attachment styles tend to repeat the relationship patterns they experienced in their childhood in their own relationships. This can lead to them unconsciously reproducing behaviours and dynamics that were learned in their childhood. Sooner or later, these will damage the relationship.
Relationships between two people with insecure attachment styles can lead to a vicious circle of misunderstandings, insecurities and conflict. It's important to note that overcoming these challenges is possible, especially with the help of couples therapy or relationship coaching, whether for you alone or for you as a couple. Working on improving communication, building trust and developing secure attachment patterns can help to increase the quality of the relationship and reduce insecurities.
A couples therapist or relationship coach is specially trained to help couples improve their relationships and tackle problems. They provide a neutral and supportive environment where couples can openly discuss their difficulties. It is important to note that therapy or coaching is not a guarantee to fix relationship problems, but it can provide those affected with tools and strategies to strengthen their relationship and overcome difficult times.
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